"Qi" on This, Stupid Internet

I woke up this morning to a bedroom in disarray. See, I have been painting my house in what I like to call a 'phased approach' (which really just means I am lazy and my attention span wanes before I can finish the whole thing properly, but whatever). Yesterday, it turns out, I needed to paint a wall in my family room, so I recruited some movers, and my entertainment center ended up in my sitting room.

Hence, the disarray.

So I am lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, when I think to myself, "oh man, I have GOT to get this room put back together...". I start chewing on what I am going to do with all of the extra furniture I suddenly have, where am I going to put it and la di da, when it hits me - perhaps I should think about rearranging the furniture in my bedroom.

And if you know me, you know that my bedroom is my sanctuary, my room for resplendent respite, the place I go to recharge and relax, and that I love it, just as it is (movie ref?). But whatever. I can always put it back, right? And then the brilliant idea hits me that I should go Google "Feng Shui", and get some ideas there.

And therein lies my problem, people.

WHAT THE HELL? Is the problem that this is a confusing concept, or that we "designer-y wanna be types" have flooded the internet with our diluted interpretations of real Chinese concepts? That must be it. We've ruined it, and I can't tell my head from my ass in terms of Feng Shui. What I can say, based on my 20 minutes of research, is that IN EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY OF MY BELOVED HOME, I am inviting ruin and sure destruction in. I am surprised I am still breathing. Or that a rat hasn't chewed off my arm because I have been lying with my head oriented to the North since I moved in.

Whew.

Here's what I have been chewing on since my research started -

• The element that rules my life, or my birth element, is WOOD. Hmm. I like wood. From a decorating perspective, I prefer it over metal, so that must be good. Or is it? Now I am panicking because I think I read that wood destroys metal or whatever, so maybe I am inviting the destructive forces of life into my home? Gah!
• According to my birth element and based on the time of my birth, my favored direction is East/SE. So I should orient my front door, the direction of my desk, or sleeping position this way. I am outta luck on the front door thing, and my bed would be under a window if I put my bed that way, which I seem to remember reading is essentially an open invitation to man eating zombies everywhere - "Please! Make an appetizer of my brains every night!" Hmm. So that's out, until I can get some expert advice on the subject.
• My Kua Number is either 7 or 5, depending on the website. Which means I should actually face my bed west. But doesn't that conflict with my favored direction? And furthermore, what do I do with my dresser and mirror? Since I currently have a mirror directly opposite my bed, my life has been doomed anyway - because evidently, my unconscious-self wrestles with itself in the mirror everynight, which in turn leads to less-than-restful sleep. No wonder I have perma-bags under my eyes.

So whatever. Until I find me a certified, all knowing Chinese practitioner, I think my qi is destined for despair.

And this saddens me.

*sigh*