My New Plan for Career Development

Last week at work, they announced the winners of this fancy-schmancy award they give to a select group of employees every year. My original understanding of the award was that it recognized people who were high-achievers, or those who really give a lot of themselves to turning out high quality - so of course! Imagine my happiness when I was nominated for one of these awards a few months ago.

Then yesterday, I saw the list of winners.

And you know - you always hear people say "...it was just an honor to be nominated...", right? Which I still believe might totally be true, if you actually respected the people who actually won. I mean - there are indeed a couple of winners whom I actually do respect. Then there are those who were recognized that make my head spin, which makes me consider chucking it all, packing up my stapler a la "Office Space", and moving to Tahiti to be a barmaid on a beach.

But instead, I have just decided to mirror their work ethic*, and as such, have put a 13-step plan into place to accomplish what they did:

13 Sure Fire Ways to Win the Coveted Corporate

"Pat on the Back" Award Next Year
My collection of behavioral observations that seem to attract recognition -

some not unlike my own, some? Not so much

Carry on torrid affair with an office peer and have no discretion. Note: This includes being absent from work at regularly scheduled "hotel rendezvous" intervals and hence, not able to do any actual work...or even "fake"/"pretend" work, for that matter.

Alienate all office peers with crusty looks and attitude when I hear they are gossiping about said affair (the one I am flaunting in their faces).

Call people "Fat" or "Ugly" or anything offensive, and do so at inappropriate times and at regular intervals. Additionally, only pay attention to the "hot" guys, and go out of my way to make the "ugly" guys feel even uglier. Accomplish this by giving "view only" access rights to my thong underwear whilst in office settings, or sticking my chest out when the occasion calls for it (which means constantly).

Yell, rant, and rave over every little detail that seems wrong-ish. Turn up the "passion" at every opportunity.

Treat consultants like giant piles of poo. To their faces and behind their backs.

Never work any overtime. Also known as "quit working 472 hours a week".

Refuse to travel anymore.

Refuse to be a good partner with the client by strategically placing roadblocks at various stages of the project (become an expert "bottle-necker"); by making insanely bad architectural recommendations to them, and striving to assassinate quality.

Start working "(Enter any lazy colleague's name here)" type hours. This might include logging in at 6 am to send an "I am hard at work email", then going back to sleep til 10 am; waking up and sending another email (perhaps designed to show how I was totally available via cell phone during an all night install, or whatever, and since I am such a martyr I am now busy with a full day's work, etc.).

Always manage upwards; never loop in colleagues who are at my peer level or below.

Throw anyone (and everyone) under the bus; do so whenever possible.

Always take credit for everyone else's hard work. (Note to self: Figure out how to legitimize such actions so that when the smart, observant people complain, I can whip out a paper trail.)

Delegate everything, regardless of how tedious ("Can you please compose and send an email for me? But first, cook me up some bacon and some beans**, then get over here and give me a pedicure.").

I have confidence that my new goals will help me reach even greater heights of career development and employee stardom.

The End.






* Right, like that will happen.
** Song reference, anyone?