Right Outside My Door...

This morning from my back porch:

Ahh!

It Speaks to Me

Can you hear it? Shhh. Listen.

Observe:


Do you hear it? Over and over? Like the chanting of the Gregorian monks? Or a choir of angels? They raise their voices to the skies to declare:


"The ski season cometh...the ski season cometh...the ski season cometh...the ski season cometh...the ski season cometh..."

Tra la la!!!

Ahem. Let us not dwell on the fact that this slight skimming of snow melted completely away today. Instead, let us rejoice in the fact that MORE IS COMING, and SOON! Also, let us not dwell on the fact that this picture sucks*. And furthermore**, let us not dwell on the fact that our new ski boots made both of our big toenails fall off this summer***.

Pray! Pray to the snow gods that this season is much better than last. Yay for snow!





* It was the best I could do this morning. More incentive to buy that spendy zoom lens, right? Sigh. Oh that I were a gagillionaire...
** Furthermore? Remember Spaghetti Factory, Kate? Hee! Kate uses the best verbiage in everyday conversation.
*** Oh. Maybe that just happened to me? No pain, no gain!

The Word Vomit? It Lives On...

The last 2 or 3 weeks have been complete and utter hell for me at work*. You know the kind - when you are working 842 hours a day, and you don't really feel that great anyway, and then in the end you have crammed so much information into your head that by Tuesday evening, the anxiety is oozing out of your ear?

Yeah, that.

And the pressure - oh, the pressure. We've covered this here before. You know - how I love to talk about the 'corporate zombies' who thrive on the adrenaline that is borne out of capitalism? Well that doesn't happen to me. All that pressure just makes me clench my jaw into a sort of spring loaded trap that is ready to go off at any moment. And so it did.

So last Thursday night, my boss decided that since there were so many of us in town, we should have a nice dinner on the company dime. We ended up at Tuscany, which could safely be the best (and most expensive) restaurant in the entire state of Utah. Yum. The wine was flowing, the conversation was light - we were finally letting off some steam and relaxing. And then it happened - the moment wherein the fate of the evening was sealed forever.

Loud Mouthed Colleague: "Yeah, sometimes I worry that I may have said too much. Over-stepped the boundaries. Inadvertently offended someone. And then I just do a mental run down of all the things that came out of Lynette's mouth over the course of the evening, and I am always relieved."

Har, har, har. Very funny. Everyone sitting there thought that was potentially the FUNNIEST.THING.EVER.SAID. But whatever...I can take it. Go ahead, Mr. Charlie Brown head! Bring it. Do your worst! And of course, right then and there, I resolved - I was going to keep my feet out of my mouth if it was the last thing I did.

Things were going well - I was on my way to being the evening's Word Vomit Silver Medalist, when suddenly, after eleventeen hundred glasses of wine and whilst reliving some of the purgatory-like events of the previous few days, someone started describing how we could implement a software solution that I thought was completely ridiculous, and I said - with my ever present flair for the dramatic -

"You are smokin' some serious-ass crack."

As in, "serious-ass, comma, crack." I do that sometimes, you know. Add "ass" to the end of my comments. Because for some reason, I have decided that adding that little gem is necessary to really emphasize what I am trying to say, thanks to this disease I have called INSANITY. And then? Then the Loud Mouthed Colleague followed it up with the kicker:

"Yeah. It isn't every day that someone says 'ass-crack' at the dinner table with all of their colleagues. I knew I'd be ok."

Why? Why do I do it? Oh where, oh where have my filters gone? Gah! Word Vomit Gold Medalist is something to truly be proud of.





* A major contributor to the lack of blog postage. Sigh.

The Case of the Crushin' Colleague

I have a small problem. So of course - what's the perfect place to expound upon my problems in order to vent and/or seek advice? Why, the internet, of course!

See, there is this guy at work - we will call him "overly-friendly, having-no-chance-in-hell, and-can't-take-no-for-an-answer" guy (or, erm, perhaps just 'Hong') - and Hong happens to be in town this week for work, and, as described above, he just CAN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. Allow me to illustrate with an example that occurred some time ago:

Hong: "Do you think you might want to go out sometime? I mean - not go out like colleagues, but you know, go out on a real date?"

Me (thinking no, you are not really my type, but I will be nice because I just don't have it in me to be super rude to your face): "Sorry, Hong. I don't date my colleagues."

So there I was, thinking I had an iron clad excuse and that I was the queen of the suave brush off, when 2 weeks later, Hong pulled me aside to tell me he had POSTED FOR ANOTHER POSITION WITHIN THE COMPANY SO THAT WE COULD FINALLY GO OUT. On a date. Romantically and stuff.

I stared at him in disbelief while the crickets chanted in the background and I processed what he had just said...and the canyon of silence between us grew larger and larger and more and more awkward. Awkward as ass.

Chirp. Chirp, chirp.

Chirp.

Chirp.

Chhhhiiiiirrrrrpppp.

And in my head, I was thinking all kinds of bad swear words, and of course, calculating my next move. I also spent a considerable amount of time trying to remember where I must have gone wrong - was there anything that I did that gave him the impression I may have even WANTED to become romantically entwined with him? I mean, let's be honest - if it were me, and I had a crush on a colleague and I was brave enough to ask him out - and he in turn told me we couldn't date because we worked together - well, I would immediately read that as "he's just not that into me." And then, I would try to extract the pieces of my squashed ego out from between the treads of his shoes, pack up all of my worldly possessions, and move to a distant, far away land, never to show my face in his presence again.

But that's just me.

So after this stunning revelation (and of course the awkward-as-ass pause wherein I tried to plan my next strategic move as though it were a game of chess), I decided it was time to switch gears:

Me: "Well, I have to say that I am not at all interested in long distance relationships, and, you know, you live in Canada. And on top of that, I just don't think you and I have a lot in common."

Your move, suckah.

Hong: "Well, you just need to let me get you drunk and I can change your mind."

Ahem. *%@!

And this? This, my friends, just scratches the surface. If he sends me an IM asking a personal question, I ignore him. When he sends text messages, I tell him I got busy and forgot to answer him. When he is in town (like today) and asks me to dinner (like today), I tell him things like "I have to mow my lawn," or, "I have to do some laundry." I am at a loss!

I am not a stranger to inappropriate situations at work (remember this?), but this really, really bothers me. Could it be that there is a language barrier between us? Perhaps he doesn't understand it when I shut him down? Or maybe I should just stop trying to be nice, look him in the eye, and say, "Hong - I am NEVER, EVER going to sleep with you!" Would that be blunt enough?

What say ye?

My next move is to convert to Catholicism and join a convent. That oughta make it crystal clear, eh*?

*Get it? "Eh?" Damn, I crack myself up sometimes.

Public Service Announcement

This is an urgent announcement from my Emergency Blogcast System.

Do NOT, I repeat - Do NOT eat these. Ever.

Let me reiterate lest you missed it:

Regular Wheat Thins = Good
Parmesan Basil Wheat Thins = Very, very bad.

This concludes my public service announcement.

Thank you.

I Want this Bumper Sticker

HILARIOUS! I have tears of joy at this very moment. If you want to buy one or, say, eleventeen thousand (just so you can randomly slap them on any car you pass), go here.

Why didn't I think of this first? I am always on the slow train when it comes to the money making ventures. Kudos to whomever you are for thinking this one up.

C-C-CAMPING

Karen asked for it - here are some pics from last weekend's camping trip (taken with the assistance of the trusty camera). It was kind of a pain to upload these - 10 megapixels makes a HUGE file, and the Blogger picture import functionality SUCKS (are you reading this, oh wise Blogger guru's??!? Could you work on that??!?) so I have only added a few for your perusing pleasure. Enjoy!

Utah is so dry this year! This is the view from our campsite - usually, those brown patches are frog ponds, but this year, everything is so BROWN. We like to go where there are no other people around, although that is getting harder and harder to do. The mountains here are like ant hills! So this is what I would look at every morning while I was reading. Love it.

Miss Aleusha doing what she does best - hunting. I love the action shot setting on my camera. I would have never caught her "in flight" before. She's part wolf, I am convinced of it. Psycho dog.

This, my friends, is the trusty hammerderdong. Refer to item #5 of this posting if you have forgotten what, precisely, a hammerderdong is. I have to say, my hero worship of my father was diminished a little this weekend - I thought this was an original invention, but when I asked him about it, he shook his head and said "No, it's founded on the principle of the parallelogram." Sort of like, "duh, you idiot, can't you tell that by looking at it?"

So why, you might ask, is a hammerderdong so cool? You see - you attach your binoculars or your telescope or whatever to the end, focus on your target, and then no matter how tall you are, as you swivel the height of the binoculars, everyone is looking at the exact same thing. Same elk in the distance, same moon or constellation. I told you my dad walks around doing physics in his head. Now do you believe me?



Lovely Maika the flapper girl. My B-I-L said she showed him her boobs "New Orleans style", so he gave her some beads. She wore them all weekend.

Sunset time. Ahhh. Breathtaking.

...and more sunset. I heart Utah.

Cute Nephew Phone Conversation(s)

Me: "Hello?"

CN: "Hi aunt Lee-nette."

Me: "Hi buddy. What's happenin'?"

CN: "I'm scared. The storm is scary."

Me: "Well, where are your mom and dad?"

CN: "They went to the viewing."

Me: "Oh. Well don't be scared. It's just really windy. Sometimes I get scared too when it's really windy, but that's just because it's so noisy. You'll be ok, I promise."

CN: "But...um...can I come down to your house?"

Me: "Sure. I'll stand outside and watch for you." (Um, note: I live 4 doors down from him.)

CN: "Aunt Lee-nette? Can you call me back in 5 minutes?"

Me: "Sure friend. I'll call you back in 5 minutes."

(After about 32 seconds):

Me: "Hello?"

CN: "Aunt Leenette? The weatherman says it is not safe to go outdoors. Can you drive your car down and get me?"



I love nephs.

Death of a Nose Ring

Well, my short lived love affair with the nose ring is over - last night, I took it out. I couldn't take it anymore - I mean, seriously - could you stand to have this thing constantly digging your brains out? See:






Yes, the long portion truly does dig clear back into your nasal passages in a sort of lobotomy-type fashion. But I would just like to make it clear that I did this for purely comfort related reasons. Who cares about the stereotypes that people throw your way for wearing facial jewelry?

Those only hold true for the other folks out there. Not me. Right? Am I right?!?

Heh.