Today, I Almost Ate a Bus.

I had my first ever "life-flashing before my eyes" moment today. It happened like 12 hours ago, and though I recovered quickly at the time, I am seriously having some kind of post traumatic stress disorder!

Phew. Deep breath.

I thought I would follow the lead of the local New Yorkers, and just cross the street even though the big red "flashy hand" was furiously saying "not now, you dip shit"... and as soon as I got half way out, I looked up and to my left...only to see a NY City bus BARRELING down the road, right for me. I am not kidding - one more step, and I would have been a SPLATTER on the road, right in front of ground zero. Let me reiterate lest you did not catch it – ONE MORE STEP, and I would have been a goner. Dead. No longer of this world.

And as if this doesn't make me feel lame enough, this big mean lady with a butt larger than mine * walks by me (after we all get safely across the street) and yells, like I just pointed a gun at her children or something, "That was really stupid!!!!". Yeah, ya think? Thank you, kind soul, for pointing that out to me. Whatever. Grr. Or as my father and my ugly brother-in-law would say ** – Arg.

You would think that after having almost consumed a full size bus for breakfast, I would have earned my embarrassing “moment of the day” badge. Alas, um, no. Because today, of all days, I had to show off my artistic “bull in a china” shop capabilities to all of my colleagues. Today, in NY, dressed in my typical funeral attire, I was supposed to participate in a round table lunch with the Vice President of our division – which really IS a big deal in this company. The setting was very corporate and professional – 46th floor, corner conference room, view of the Statue of Liberty on one side, Brooklyn and Williamsburg bridges on the other. Everyone was settling in at the conference table with their salads and Diet Coke’s ***, and me, being the picture of grace and ease, I TRIP OVER MY OWN HEELS AND HEAD BUTT THE WHITE BOARD. Indeed. Run into the whiteboard. With my head.

I don’t really know what else to say. How does one top that? I couldn’t come up with a more embarrassing story if I tried. And for some reason, I feel compelled to share that with you.

Because I am insane, I suppose.

* Why is it that the women who always have an attitude and something unsolicited to say are always busting out of their clothes? I mean, I don’t want to stereotype (given that I am, ahem, a healthy size myself), but let’s be honest. I can’t wrap my head around that.
** Whilst drinking shots of rum out of coffee mugs and wishing they had a patch over their eyes. And P.S. I guess he is marginally good looking. Heh heh!
*** Because evidently, eating a real meal at work is against company policy (even though the boss catered a fantastic spread including fruit and cheese and all kinds of mayonnaise laden salads and blah blah blah).